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Another Year
8 years ago
My birthday is just around the corner, it's on Christmas day and I always become foul. It's hard having that day as my birthday, it makes you feel like you aren't special, that you have very little value compared to everyone else.
This year has been one of the worst and my family has done a lot to make me feel worthless. Essentially we are doing nothing for my birthday/Christmas, its broken me. The worst part being that I have been working hard for weeks with my father on refinishing the terrazzo floors and all for the purpose of "my birthday". All because my mother needed it, she said for the holiday. We worked hard but only got half done as it takes grinding, sanding multiple times with various grits and then buffing it out with multiple cleanings in between. Well nothing was bought, no tree or presents or food. Not a thing.
It makes me look back on the work I did, I lost like 50lbs, I went back to school after two and half years and got straight A's while also working and lots of house responsibilities(plus I may be able to transfer to state in the Fall). Yet it feels like all the work was for nothing because of little to no validation. Feels like I just endlessly work but gain nothing out of it.
Last year I was nothing, it was a blur of nothing, barely working, barely doing anything and I felt beyond disgusted with myself. Yet after all the work done this year I feel just the same and I wonder if my efforts will ever mean something.
These things are just my musings after a long and hard year of illness, emotional distress, massive anxiety , and fear. I've come out of 2017 with a lot of scars and it's not over yet. Even with it all I still fight every day to just live, to breathe and just exist in maybe a better way than the last 25 years . Maybe year 26 will be better or maybe worse, nobody knows and that can be scary. But we all are forced to move on, always and forever.
Merry Christmas everyone.
This year has been one of the worst and my family has done a lot to make me feel worthless. Essentially we are doing nothing for my birthday/Christmas, its broken me. The worst part being that I have been working hard for weeks with my father on refinishing the terrazzo floors and all for the purpose of "my birthday". All because my mother needed it, she said for the holiday. We worked hard but only got half done as it takes grinding, sanding multiple times with various grits and then buffing it out with multiple cleanings in between. Well nothing was bought, no tree or presents or food. Not a thing.
It makes me look back on the work I did, I lost like 50lbs, I went back to school after two and half years and got straight A's while also working and lots of house responsibilities(plus I may be able to transfer to state in the Fall). Yet it feels like all the work was for nothing because of little to no validation. Feels like I just endlessly work but gain nothing out of it.
Last year I was nothing, it was a blur of nothing, barely working, barely doing anything and I felt beyond disgusted with myself. Yet after all the work done this year I feel just the same and I wonder if my efforts will ever mean something.
These things are just my musings after a long and hard year of illness, emotional distress, massive anxiety , and fear. I've come out of 2017 with a lot of scars and it's not over yet. Even with it all I still fight every day to just live, to breathe and just exist in maybe a better way than the last 25 years . Maybe year 26 will be better or maybe worse, nobody knows and that can be scary. But we all are forced to move on, always and forever.
Merry Christmas everyone.
I really hope your situation gets better, and have a Merry Christmas