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Powerhouse
7 years ago
Throughout all of my history, I've struggled with this idea that I lack power and that I'm not enough. My self-esteem isn't low... I'm more than happy to go out and talk to strangers and feel good about myself. I've stood on a stage and sung to hundreds in an audience, maybe thousands at some point. It all seems to come at me in a blur and I never seem to know where to go from there. Online communities is where I found my haven, for whatever it is that I have.
For a long time, I was afraid of saying what I wanted and making mistakes because I didn't want to cause trouble. I found myself having a taste of just what it meant to be in control and It took me a long time to really get away from it. When I played MapleStory, I had joined a Private Server that I invested a lot of time into and I was given a staff role. I had to be like fifteen but that sort of authority really changed me into a person that I loved. Everyone talked to me. Everyone came to me. If someone needed help, I could give it. Nobody could stop me. I was my own world and it felt amazing.
But the darkest part is that nobody could stop me. It's a feeling that I think most should stay away from, if everyone. Power takes us and turns us into something we aren't. It is a poison that can ruin the blood and make us monsters we said we would never be. It can take us and turn the people we wanted to help against us because we ended up hurting them more than helping. It is a destructive thing and it is something that should be shared among a people, not taken into ones own hands to be handled with an Iron grip.
There are so many instances further down the line when I would be given a position of authority and I would ruin it time and time again because I would say what I want and do what I want, regardless of how it effected others. I learned bad habits that ultimately earned me the title of The Temperamental Queen. My emotions guided what I did and often ended up horridly and hurting someone. I would do things on a whim and act destructively like a child having a tantrum.
I did what I could to get better but ultimately, it was that I was always in a position of authority, no matter where I went, I acted like the top bird. I'd step up to staff's face if I even got a hint that they were power tripping. I'd stand my ground like they couldn't touch me and it always ended the same way. That's when I saw myself from the perspective of the user and what it felt like to be tossed aside like nothing, to feel powerless again and that reminder was all I needed to change.
But change comes slow... The Benevolent Queen is what I called myself, but it didn't stick. Regardless of getting better, the stigma of my authority already existed and I had to leave my friends and everything I built behind. Everything I worked for, all the things I did to make the community flourish, they tried to hide. When I left, they tried to erase everything about it, but they couldn't... but i wish they had. Do you know how hard it is to let go of something you built from the ground up? I'm lost.
But I'm getting better. I just wish they could see that... I'll never be enough and I don't have to do this alone, but I still am. Maybe because I prefer it that way or because I'm afraid I'll hurt someone else. I just hope that I can stay afloat before I drown in what I could only assume is a pool of pain that I've caused others over the years. I'm sorry but I'll get what I get, so just stay alive for me. I'll try to do the same.
For a long time, I was afraid of saying what I wanted and making mistakes because I didn't want to cause trouble. I found myself having a taste of just what it meant to be in control and It took me a long time to really get away from it. When I played MapleStory, I had joined a Private Server that I invested a lot of time into and I was given a staff role. I had to be like fifteen but that sort of authority really changed me into a person that I loved. Everyone talked to me. Everyone came to me. If someone needed help, I could give it. Nobody could stop me. I was my own world and it felt amazing.
But the darkest part is that nobody could stop me. It's a feeling that I think most should stay away from, if everyone. Power takes us and turns us into something we aren't. It is a poison that can ruin the blood and make us monsters we said we would never be. It can take us and turn the people we wanted to help against us because we ended up hurting them more than helping. It is a destructive thing and it is something that should be shared among a people, not taken into ones own hands to be handled with an Iron grip.
There are so many instances further down the line when I would be given a position of authority and I would ruin it time and time again because I would say what I want and do what I want, regardless of how it effected others. I learned bad habits that ultimately earned me the title of The Temperamental Queen. My emotions guided what I did and often ended up horridly and hurting someone. I would do things on a whim and act destructively like a child having a tantrum.
I did what I could to get better but ultimately, it was that I was always in a position of authority, no matter where I went, I acted like the top bird. I'd step up to staff's face if I even got a hint that they were power tripping. I'd stand my ground like they couldn't touch me and it always ended the same way. That's when I saw myself from the perspective of the user and what it felt like to be tossed aside like nothing, to feel powerless again and that reminder was all I needed to change.
But change comes slow... The Benevolent Queen is what I called myself, but it didn't stick. Regardless of getting better, the stigma of my authority already existed and I had to leave my friends and everything I built behind. Everything I worked for, all the things I did to make the community flourish, they tried to hide. When I left, they tried to erase everything about it, but they couldn't... but i wish they had. Do you know how hard it is to let go of something you built from the ground up? I'm lost.
But I'm getting better. I just wish they could see that... I'll never be enough and I don't have to do this alone, but I still am. Maybe because I prefer it that way or because I'm afraid I'll hurt someone else. I just hope that I can stay afloat before I drown in what I could only assume is a pool of pain that I've caused others over the years. I'm sorry but I'll get what I get, so just stay alive for me. I'll try to do the same.
