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Two Years Later
4 years ago
It is odd that despite everything going so right, things can still feel so wrong. That is usually a sign of depression, though I don’t think I am… but that is also a sign of depression, so I’m not very sure. I am not often sad, but more so obsessive over something, an idea of a person. What compels me to feel this way? Do I feel guilty for what I did or do I feel wronged? In all honesty, I just want to feel forgiven. Two years ago I painted the image of a monster on someone who I would have called one of my closest friends. Eione. It has been two years and I still feel the pain of our departure. It’s not that I wish things had gone differently or that I feel like nobody did anything wrong… It’s just that, I’d like for us to have had a chance to talk once again and forgive.
It is my fault for painting this misinterpretation of feelings for one another and believing that there could have been more, I considerably agree with that fact. Never, should you ever, assume that because there is trust, that there can be more. Sometimes trust is all the person needs and that can be more than enough… However, this situation was so much more complicated than that…
At one point does that trust become dangerous? At what point do you feel you have to tread carefully and understand that trust can bring you to corners you really weren’t sure you wanted to be in. I learned that trusting in someone elusive can lead you to be in a place where you will question something that you never once used to question before. It can change you, for better or for worse, but in this case I just held onto that guilt for a long time, to keep that trust because that’s what was important to me.
When the incident happened, where I essentially banned Eione and tried to incriminate her, I was in a place of feeling jealous, betrayed and incredibly harmed. It was the first time I felt real revenge and had the power to do just that. I knew at that point that there was no going back and I only had myself to blame. Have you ever had that moment where you realize this isn’t a dream? That this really just happened? I did and it was miserable. I was then exiled from the world I built for her, and honestly, that’s… fine. It was always meant to be for her, and I know she doesn't believe but that’s the truth.
It’s strange, I think. While I didn’t agree with everything she believed in, I still wanted to build a place for her that she could be confined in… even if those she confided in weren’t me. A self-sacrifice of some kind. It didn’t help that the entire year after, I was essentially a voldermort type figure, a mythical creature of bad fortune-- spoken ill of even after all that time. What? You think I couldn’t get back into my own server? Honestly, I should have stayed out because all I found was just more pain and reasons to collapse, mentally.
She never spoke of me though, never ill or even mentioned. I was forgotten quicker than I thought. I always knew she was elusive, even in thought. Even still she comes in my dreams, well-- Not her, but Eione. The character. She thanked me for making her more than just an idea, giving her life-- purpose? It was then I realized, I’d fallen for the character, not the creator and.. I think that’s a bittersweet story. I admired Lauren. I wanted so much to be like her, but I’m just not that kind of person. The more I found out, the more I felt curious and wanted to know more, but at the end of the day, I could never be like her. Later, I’d find out that I couldn’t be anything like her and I think that’s okay. She’s always a part of me, my history and my life experience… I’ll cherish that, but I’ll always try to find her again, reach out and apologize. I’ll always try. It’s what she knew me best for. I’m sentimental about stuff like that.
So now you know what I wish I could apologize for.. But why would she need to apologize to me? It’s not her fault that I set these expectations-- couldn’t recognize lust from love. Even still, I have trouble with that. But she even told me, I’m not the one, but I didn’t listen. I ignored it and still just wanted to be something to help her along and keep her trust. Leading me on? That can’t be it. Keeping me close? That’d be my fault, I kinda stuck there. Does she owe me an apology for the pain that I ultimately inflicted myself? Is it my responsibility to hold all of the burden?
This is the kind of process that eventually drives me to realize that she and I couldn’t ever be more than friends, if even that. In looking back at all the things we said, I realized that we spoke less and less about ourselves… things and more about others. When did it become so impersonal? Looking back I realize that we didn’t say as much as I thought we did, but for some reason it felt like we spoke for years and years, endlessly in a lifetime in repeat.
Is that why I felt the way I did, do -- about them? I’m still friends with people who hated me in the past, but ultimately became someone I could trust and be alongside of. I’m not used to people just disappearing. But here, on this Webverse, you can. There’s nothing stopping you from just vanishing off the face of the planet and nobody could say or do a thing about it.
That is what I always feared would happen because I know she was like that. It’s not like her to stick around for too long because people begin to get to close, learn too much and end up like me. I think she knows and I’m afraid I might have made it harder for her to trust, but I know we’ve changed a lot over the course of the last two years… I wonder if she ever got past her own depression. I do wish she weren’t so alone in the world. But, what do I know?
It is my fault for painting this misinterpretation of feelings for one another and believing that there could have been more, I considerably agree with that fact. Never, should you ever, assume that because there is trust, that there can be more. Sometimes trust is all the person needs and that can be more than enough… However, this situation was so much more complicated than that…
At one point does that trust become dangerous? At what point do you feel you have to tread carefully and understand that trust can bring you to corners you really weren’t sure you wanted to be in. I learned that trusting in someone elusive can lead you to be in a place where you will question something that you never once used to question before. It can change you, for better or for worse, but in this case I just held onto that guilt for a long time, to keep that trust because that’s what was important to me.
When the incident happened, where I essentially banned Eione and tried to incriminate her, I was in a place of feeling jealous, betrayed and incredibly harmed. It was the first time I felt real revenge and had the power to do just that. I knew at that point that there was no going back and I only had myself to blame. Have you ever had that moment where you realize this isn’t a dream? That this really just happened? I did and it was miserable. I was then exiled from the world I built for her, and honestly, that’s… fine. It was always meant to be for her, and I know she doesn't believe but that’s the truth.
It’s strange, I think. While I didn’t agree with everything she believed in, I still wanted to build a place for her that she could be confined in… even if those she confided in weren’t me. A self-sacrifice of some kind. It didn’t help that the entire year after, I was essentially a voldermort type figure, a mythical creature of bad fortune-- spoken ill of even after all that time. What? You think I couldn’t get back into my own server? Honestly, I should have stayed out because all I found was just more pain and reasons to collapse, mentally.
She never spoke of me though, never ill or even mentioned. I was forgotten quicker than I thought. I always knew she was elusive, even in thought. Even still she comes in my dreams, well-- Not her, but Eione. The character. She thanked me for making her more than just an idea, giving her life-- purpose? It was then I realized, I’d fallen for the character, not the creator and.. I think that’s a bittersweet story. I admired Lauren. I wanted so much to be like her, but I’m just not that kind of person. The more I found out, the more I felt curious and wanted to know more, but at the end of the day, I could never be like her. Later, I’d find out that I couldn’t be anything like her and I think that’s okay. She’s always a part of me, my history and my life experience… I’ll cherish that, but I’ll always try to find her again, reach out and apologize. I’ll always try. It’s what she knew me best for. I’m sentimental about stuff like that.
So now you know what I wish I could apologize for.. But why would she need to apologize to me? It’s not her fault that I set these expectations-- couldn’t recognize lust from love. Even still, I have trouble with that. But she even told me, I’m not the one, but I didn’t listen. I ignored it and still just wanted to be something to help her along and keep her trust. Leading me on? That can’t be it. Keeping me close? That’d be my fault, I kinda stuck there. Does she owe me an apology for the pain that I ultimately inflicted myself? Is it my responsibility to hold all of the burden?
This is the kind of process that eventually drives me to realize that she and I couldn’t ever be more than friends, if even that. In looking back at all the things we said, I realized that we spoke less and less about ourselves… things and more about others. When did it become so impersonal? Looking back I realize that we didn’t say as much as I thought we did, but for some reason it felt like we spoke for years and years, endlessly in a lifetime in repeat.
Is that why I felt the way I did, do -- about them? I’m still friends with people who hated me in the past, but ultimately became someone I could trust and be alongside of. I’m not used to people just disappearing. But here, on this Webverse, you can. There’s nothing stopping you from just vanishing off the face of the planet and nobody could say or do a thing about it.
That is what I always feared would happen because I know she was like that. It’s not like her to stick around for too long because people begin to get to close, learn too much and end up like me. I think she knows and I’m afraid I might have made it harder for her to trust, but I know we’ve changed a lot over the course of the last two years… I wonder if she ever got past her own depression. I do wish she weren’t so alone in the world. But, what do I know?
