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What a rollercoaster.
4 years ago
Looks like I've lost a good friend of mine again. This time, it wasn't anything either of us did. He's dead. Has been since February. I didn't know until today. Explains why I haven't heard from him, my attempts to contact him when I was feeling down over the breakup. Wish I looked into it more instead of finding out today.
I opened up about it a bit in this journal https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9840834 , but since posting it I've become more despondent and upset.
So many what-ifs.. Wish I could've done something to save him, even though I quite obviously couldn't have. Fuck me. Dude was my next shoulder to cry on, after my ex. Pretty much my best friend. Now I don't really have any that high up, so it's all to myself to handle. Too much. Why does this shit have to happen to me? I feel so guilty for not contacting him at all during his last months alive. I feel so guilty for not taking time to spend with him before he died. I wish I knew. I know I couldn't have, but I still do. I wish he was still alive. I want to talk to him. But he's dead...fuck. He won't laugh, cry, sleep, talk, joke, make music... I thought I could live without worrying about any of my friends dying. Why can't life be like that? What do I have to do to bring him back? As much as I might be 18, I'm still just mentally some kid with autism. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'd like to travel to Bulgaria when I can so that I may leave some flowers on his grave myself; feels wrong to leave him there on his own, even though one of his friends have promised to give him flowers for me.
I'm also honestly considering adopting his sona (w/ approval from some of his closest friends and his bf) so I can keep him 'alive' at least in that way. dude really did mean a lot to me, and it feels wrong to just...let his avatar stay dead like that as well.
I loved you, man. Hope you're doing OK in the afterlife.
I opened up about it a bit in this journal https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9840834 , but since posting it I've become more despondent and upset.
So many what-ifs.. Wish I could've done something to save him, even though I quite obviously couldn't have. Fuck me. Dude was my next shoulder to cry on, after my ex. Pretty much my best friend. Now I don't really have any that high up, so it's all to myself to handle. Too much. Why does this shit have to happen to me? I feel so guilty for not contacting him at all during his last months alive. I feel so guilty for not taking time to spend with him before he died. I wish I knew. I know I couldn't have, but I still do. I wish he was still alive. I want to talk to him. But he's dead...fuck. He won't laugh, cry, sleep, talk, joke, make music... I thought I could live without worrying about any of my friends dying. Why can't life be like that? What do I have to do to bring him back? As much as I might be 18, I'm still just mentally some kid with autism. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'd like to travel to Bulgaria when I can so that I may leave some flowers on his grave myself; feels wrong to leave him there on his own, even though one of his friends have promised to give him flowers for me.
I'm also honestly considering adopting his sona (w/ approval from some of his closest friends and his bf) so I can keep him 'alive' at least in that way. dude really did mean a lot to me, and it feels wrong to just...let his avatar stay dead like that as well.
I loved you, man. Hope you're doing OK in the afterlife.
