Not many people are privy to what happened (and I'd rather keep it that way out of fear), but the event that led me to quite a lot of relapses in my depression tends to rear its ugly head every now and then. Near the end of 2021, after almost a whole year of being under varying degree of emotional stress and anxiety, the "ring leader" of the community that trashed me out did contacted me with an apology and his intention of "moving on from this". Took me a while to decide how to respond, as I kept reading over and over their message. The fact that their ENTIRE community went ahead to block, ban, unfollow, and simply shut themselves away from me without even as much as trying to talk things through, only served for me to see this apology as lacking sincerity.

There was never a mention of them accepting my apologies on my behavior on my side. Also, not knowing how many and who were among the people who talked about my behavioral problems behind my back. While I can only speculate a few, the fact that not a single one of them came to even apologize or talk things out on their own, only made me more suspicious of their real intentions. I hoped for our friendship to be fixed, but I grew to be afraid of them, as they burned that bridge just as I was trying to correct my own behavioral issues I was warned about BY THEM. I even told their "leader" I would be taking those issues to my therapist so I could work on them... Hence, the hypocrisy of their actions and words also made me suspect that I would be back-stabbed again. The best way I could respond to their message is by addressing how upset I still was, as well how they created deep fear from me to them all. As I expressed how much I wish we all could work to lessen these fears, as well as my gratitude on opening back up.

However, their response was simply that "they have no intention of rekindling a relationship" ending with a "peace". That nonchalant ways of responding only confirmed that these people never really appreciated my kindness, support, and disregarded my friendship from the very beginning. This was also added on the fact that one person among their group, whom I was still on talking terms, decided to block me as well. This happen not so soon after I got the reply from their leader. While I was hoping to simply explain my words on my reply, this action from their side only served to me to confirm their true uncaring ways.

They were people I admired and looked up to. But, their silence, elitism, and destruction of friendships will end up harming them in the future. While a part of me tries to believe in the better part of them, the fact that they branded me as some deranged manipulator, especially after such a long time of having such a good time with them, has only lessened my hopes for any peaceful solution and resolution. All I could do now is unfollow them, and keep myself away from them as far and as fast as possible. I even fear seeing their names on any chat, and I dread should I ever come across them IRL (like a furcon or something).

Still, while I have muted them on many places, I chose not to ban them. That would only make me stoop to their level. After speaking with some of my friends (especially after dealing with the emotional trauma that still persists), I know its better to let those haters, trolls and false friends be. I pity their chosen paths, for it will only isolate them even more. I cannot say if their behavior has really changed due to their popularity increasing or something else. But I know I no longer have a say in this. At least, they have chose to keep me out of their lives, in spite of me recognizing my own mistakes and willingness to address them. I will still keep my DMs open to them, but, I know I won't respond to any, mostly since... I 'm scared of them. They can definitely use anything I say against me, let alone twist their narratives to further harm me. If they really intend to fix this bridge, I will let their actions and words, together, as well as time, speak for themselves.

I definitely miss them.. the friends that they used to be. I will continue to move forward, with the people who still believe in me and understand that I would never be willingly be doing some sort of damage or put people down with ill intention. I know I'm still saying "I'm sorry, for the trouble I've caused and I regret the words and actions that made them uncomfortable". Yet, I know its only going to deaf ears. So... I keep walking on