It has been a while since I posted anything. It has been quite hard on me in some aspects of social life. While I have been doing my best to keep in touch with many, not everyone seems to do the same or at least give me a chance to either talk about things, get together or even make amends. I guess I will try to explain what's happening in the best way as possible.
First, I know that ever since I've gotten backstabbed by a group of friends, whom once were my entryway to the furry fandom, as well as the Twitch streaming community, it's been quite hard to get a feel of people's real intentions and I often start to be extra cautious. While this happened in April of 2021, I've felt a looming shadow much earlier, when the main person of that community simply stopped communicating with me. In spite of the support I've given them for quite some time, their betrayal definitely left a huge scar on me. They once gave me hope, only for them to steal it back and dumped me into deep despair.
Moving forward, after MFF 2022, I was once again wounded by some whom I have had a good friendship. I've even felt some kind support after the prior nasty events. Yet, upon meeting them IRL, after so much looking forward to meet them, these people simply stopped talking to me completely. While I know I've made a mistake in my own communication, I know I went to make amends for it. However, even until now, I still feel that their silence is too intimidating. For all their talk about "loving me to bits" and such, the way how they started to treat me like this really shows much hypocrisy. I never even know what actually led them to start treating me like this. As much as I wish I could talk to them, their silence continues... and I've given up in trying. Many times, I can still see them, whether they're playing games on stream with a different friend, or chatting away with other friends I still have. I still wish I could make amends. I wish, I could make things right. But, I've lost count of the times I've cried at night in simply accepting the futility of it all.
As much negative stuff happened to me (and how these chains still weight me down), probably I'm thankful of those that are still talking to me. There were some people whom I managed to meet even at MFF that has actually sprouted into some form of hope of better and stable friendships. I'm already looking forward to Vancoufur 2024, since there's people I've also been hoping SO much to meet up. Yet, the pangs of these past experiences still linger. I don't want to lose any more friends. Yet, it has been much harder to even address my fears to them. I know that they may even be listening to a broken record. Yet, broken is what I feel I am. Takes a while to heal. Sometimes one may not heal properly.
Stream wise, I've not been able to get back into a more active form. My full time job as a vet tech/nurse has been taking away a lot of my free time. While it has it's own share of shenanigans, its been keeping my financial security a bit more stable. I still miss being able to stream and play games with others. But, time zones included, most people appear to be more active late at night for me. That actually throws a wrench into my hopes to do more social gaming. All I can do is offer myself to stream every Sunday. this also puts a limit on the games I can play, since I know not many are interested in how I create content. While I know art is also another of my skills I have and wish to further improve on digital art, having my full time job also snuffs out that hope. By the time I get home from work, my creative juices are often spent or I have to engage in other chores that are necessary for me to follow up. As such, I have chosen to just stream just for the fun of it. At the very least, stream games that I've enjoyed and are like these hidden gems. I'm hoping I can make changes to my living situation, employer and accommodate myself better to dedicate myself to do art and game streams in the future.
I appreciate anyone who comes to take their time to read through this. Its not easy to find someone to properly talk or chat about these issues.
I will continue to move forward, try my best to recognize my mistakes, make amends, improve myself as I go... and I will keep being true and genuine to myself. As much of a "monster" or "abomination" I know I am (as part of my reflection or my worst traits), I have accepted it as part of myself. All I'm still doing, is walking with it, while being at peace with it. Once again... thank you