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Sadness and apologies this month
4 years ago
I've been pretty much away for a while and not without good reason.
Just recently, some friends quite literally cut me off in the most sudden manner. The reason stated, by one of them, is me being emotionally manipulative by guilting them for attention. I won't deny that, after reading many of my PMs/DMs and chats, from a POV, it seems like I was being downright clingy and stating the wrong things. I wish I could say I want to blame my own depression for making it harder to properly express myself. Yet, I know I did wrong in approaching these friends in such a manner. It really wasn't my intention to be that way, let alone do any harm. I even brought this to the attention of my therapist to see if we could work on this behavior. Still I wish that instead of just cutting me off, especially after literally inviting me to have a good gaming moment. It really felt like I was sucker punched so I would feel the worst part of their breakup. Funny, this almost sounds like another form of emotional manipulation on their behalf.
Well, in the end, they ended up banning, blocking, and following me in many platforms. While I understand the outrage, I wish they could of have at least talked to me, or give me a warning or at least bring it up to my attention. After spending time with them, they should of known that even though I can be self-deprecating, I'm also willing to listen. Changes to any person don't really come quick enough. Sometimes, we even make mistakes along the way. The only thing left in me, is just pure guilt, especially since, by blocking me, I can't even properly make an apology to them.
I won't disclose names. I'm not so petty or immature to do stuff like that. But I'm also doing it out of fear. Especially since my friends are well known, popular and loved by many. I want to apologize to them, even if we can no longer be friends anymore. I simply just want to leave this stigma burning in me. I also want to get better, especially with my behavioral issues. It wasn't so long ago that I was diagnosed with ADHD. Even more, with COVID having to limit my interactions and being able to get a job, I haven't been in the best mental state. I will still tell my friends, if there is an issue with me, let me know. I want to write it down, and approach my therapist so I can work on them. If anything, all I ask is patience. I will always leave my doormat welcoming them to just talk. But they are not willing, then all I can do is keep moving forward... with that weight in my heart. Also, I forgive them (even though some friends told me they are undeserving), for this sudden breakup. Because even I wouldn't want to continue feeding on these negative feelings.
Just recently, some friends quite literally cut me off in the most sudden manner. The reason stated, by one of them, is me being emotionally manipulative by guilting them for attention. I won't deny that, after reading many of my PMs/DMs and chats, from a POV, it seems like I was being downright clingy and stating the wrong things. I wish I could say I want to blame my own depression for making it harder to properly express myself. Yet, I know I did wrong in approaching these friends in such a manner. It really wasn't my intention to be that way, let alone do any harm. I even brought this to the attention of my therapist to see if we could work on this behavior. Still I wish that instead of just cutting me off, especially after literally inviting me to have a good gaming moment. It really felt like I was sucker punched so I would feel the worst part of their breakup. Funny, this almost sounds like another form of emotional manipulation on their behalf.
Well, in the end, they ended up banning, blocking, and following me in many platforms. While I understand the outrage, I wish they could of have at least talked to me, or give me a warning or at least bring it up to my attention. After spending time with them, they should of known that even though I can be self-deprecating, I'm also willing to listen. Changes to any person don't really come quick enough. Sometimes, we even make mistakes along the way. The only thing left in me, is just pure guilt, especially since, by blocking me, I can't even properly make an apology to them.
I won't disclose names. I'm not so petty or immature to do stuff like that. But I'm also doing it out of fear. Especially since my friends are well known, popular and loved by many. I want to apologize to them, even if we can no longer be friends anymore. I simply just want to leave this stigma burning in me. I also want to get better, especially with my behavioral issues. It wasn't so long ago that I was diagnosed with ADHD. Even more, with COVID having to limit my interactions and being able to get a job, I haven't been in the best mental state. I will still tell my friends, if there is an issue with me, let me know. I want to write it down, and approach my therapist so I can work on them. If anything, all I ask is patience. I will always leave my doormat welcoming them to just talk. But they are not willing, then all I can do is keep moving forward... with that weight in my heart. Also, I forgive them (even though some friends told me they are undeserving), for this sudden breakup. Because even I wouldn't want to continue feeding on these negative feelings.
