It really has been a couple of months since I have posted here. Between work and real life issues, its been keeping me down from doing art. Among those real life issues, its been disheartening the many friendship problems, both personal and those on the other sides. On a personal side, I have tried to maintain many of my own friendships that I have come across these past couple of years. This is still my main concern, especially after certain popufur streamers and artists broke my heart and burned the bridges (the backstabbers). I know I have a bad tendency of worrying and getting anxious. I also been told that I don't properly express myself. As such, some messages tend to be misinterpreted. Among those cases, I have felt, after MFF, that some of my long time friends just... well... decided to just give me the cold shoulder. Even after trying to send them well wishes during the holidays, I can only interpret their silence as a passive - aggressive way of kicking me out of their lives. Sadly, this trend and observation is one that I have experienced repeatedly. At the very least, unlike the backstabbers, they haven't blocked or banned me from their social media. However, still feeling the painful pangs of those that betrayed my friendship, I felt that the best thing I can do, is just remove myself from their places, and try to ignore them in chats (not like they actually come to my own place or that they say anything to me during another friend's chat). All I can hope, is that, one day, they can recognize just how much it hurts to just ignore someone who was there for you. Even more so, when back in the past I heard how much the "love me to bits" and then treat me as if I don't exist.
In the same way, broken friendships from other friends also have affected me. Between the nasty revelations of some, and arguments of others, seeing how many people whom I used to hang out together, now they can't even see bear to see each other. I can't say I understand the sentiment. For me, the backstabbers aren't deserving of my forgiveness. After so much I have supported them, and even tried to address my behavioral problems, the fact that they have branded me negatively among themselves will not be erased unless they themselves are willing to work hard to undo the damage. Yet, I know they're unwilling. The last message I got from their "spokesperson" revealed me as much. Still, it hurts, knowing that those wonderful times, with all of us together, are never coming back. Worse, most people will reject ever remembering such times. Just like I can;t speak of my backstabber's identities, I have to bite my tongue, every time I hang out with one friend, without mentioning the other(s).
Another problem that has been with me, has been the case of trying to find help for other friends who are dealing with very serious life problems. They're serious enough that their lives may even be at stake, but neither government or some authentic and reliable organization seems to exist to help. This is both here in the US and also overseas, even Europe. I'm hopeful to find some way to help. Yet, I feel powerless to even do as much as being there for such friends. Just trying to be that enduring voice of hope, from a long distance.
I know there isn't much I can do. Only hope that things can find a way to be resolved. But, the inability to do anything or to find reliable help... It won't give me the closure I need. I know I will continue to cry at night. My failures as a friend. My failures at not being aware. My failure for not being able to fix things. The painful scar of how negatively I was branded. They will remain with me, forever. Yet... I walk on. I know I will keep getting up. I will keep rising up. Even when there is no reason to do so.